Harvard University coach Harry Parker and Fox TV have agreed to make the next coaching search at Harvard into a reality television series, "The Newell Apprentice." Ten applicants for the coaching post will be run through a gamut of coaching tasks, running from the simple (carrying gas cans), to the more complex (rigging a coxed pair for freshmen), to the near impossible (coaching lightweight women). Each week, one contestant will be "fired" by Parker, and will leave the show to coach in East Rutherford.
"Our goal was to show our viewers the variety of coaching styles and expertise out there, while upping the entertainment factor," said Fox spokesman Dick McSludge. "After all, folks are getting bored with yet seeing another fundraiser, business gimmick or succesful promo cooked up by these so-called geniuses. What people really want to see is, "how are they gonna tell that 6'6" guy that he's not making the boat because he's a box of rocks?", or "do you bench the novice cox who spears Weeks with the new Resolute?" There's much more drama to be had, especially in this sport!"
At the culmination of the show, the winning contestant will be given a Harvard jacket, given the responsibility of carrying gas cans for Harry or Bill, and driving Blocker into The Square for donuts on Saturdays.