'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except for a spouse

Down in the carpark I opened a box
To work off the bagels, cream cheese and lox

'Twas a monstrous beast, a thing to behold
A constant reminder that I'm fat and I'm old

2K? No way ... I'm really not sure
The older we get, the faster we were

I stared at this thing, all shiny and new,
And felt indigestion, and some follow-through

After donning new trou, two sizes too tight,
I grabbed a cigar and fired up a light

An 'on the rocks' glass, some ice and some gin,
A light splash of tonic, now where to begin?

Don't want to rush it, I'll take my time
Read the directions -- and slice up the lime

Enough of this nonsense, that's how you get soft
Now its one minute on, one minute off

Not rowing, you fruitcake, I have a date
Interval pieces with a cheese plate

I adjusted my nuts and continued to linger
Can't start a piece without smelling one's finger

I crept up the slide to give it a whirl
It wouldn't be long 'er I start to hurl

All of a sudden I sat up with a start
Leaned to the left and eased out a fart

There stood the missus, a look of pure scorn
"I was sure you were down here looking at porn"

So off I went, my ego in tow
An ignominious end to a holiday row.