Hackers have exploited a security weakness in the Oarlock server in order to implant malware and ransomware on thousands of coxswains worldwide. Cybercrime experts warn that malware-infected coxswains could become unstable and start yelling nonsense at any moment. Network security consultants, speaking through megaphones to disguise their voices, speculated that the hackers intend to extort money from crews by surreptitiously setting their erg dampers to 10, or making rowers do Jumpies until ransoms are paid in Toblerone, Fig Newtons, or in other easily convertible currencies.
"There is malware, and then there is malware," one expert commented, "and this is unquestionably malware."
So far, there is no evidence that any winter workout plans or personal data were compromised (except for "Which Fifty Shades of Gray Character Are You?" quiz answers). Out of an excess of caution, you should probably turn over your credit card and checking account information to the author of this article anyway— intact—just to be on the safe side.
Ten and a half signs that your coxswain might be infected:
1) Suddenly begins speaking Hobbit at 500 meter mark
2) Makes repetitive calls
3) Makes repetitive calls
6) Forgets how to count
8) Sings "Get Lucky" over the boat speakers as you are pulling away from the dock
9) Calls the shift on the 38th stroke of the high 20.
10) Adds a pause at hands halfway away
11) Knows every line of "Hunt for Red October"
12) Has a twitter account
12.5) Has a twitter account called @TheRealCaptainBligh