The 2005 Boat Race has announced that it will take place in New York City, and will be renamed "The Boat Race Brawl," according to sources close to the "Friday Night Fisticuffs" series, a bare-knuckle, no-holds-barred celebrity fight series to be held at Madison Square Garden. In the leadup to The Brawl, the student-athletes will participate in pre-fight faceoff of witty barbs, excessive press coverage, and FCC profanity rulings. Participants will not only engage in hand-to-hand combat, but will be able to use weaponry including oars, rowing seats, bowballs, and coxswains. A decision on whether an entire shell will be allowed as a projectile is pending.
"When you write about The Boat Race Brawl, make sure you capitalize the word "The," as in "The Boat Race Brawl," said some old tiresome codger as he tried in vain to button his blazer from some event rowed in London way too long ago. "This is the proper name of the event."